Healing Overload

I somehow came to believe at a fairly early age that my job, my responsibility, my calling even was to encourage others. What I didn’t realize was that treating others the way you need to be treated does not actually work.

See, I stood helping others to find their way out of the dark and into the light. People happily took the guidance only to pass through their obstacles and promptly forget I existed… until the next time they needed encouragement.

I was content to help because I was fulfilling my call. I was a natural. I was doing the good work. I could see the many facets of a situation and quickly dispense advice, guidance, encouragement, and often physical resources to lead others to the light.

Here’s where I broke down. One day, I looked around, and everyone was gone. I had unknowingly been pulled into the dark. I had shared all my gifts while simultaneously being depleted. I was alone.

No worries, I should have known the way out after helping so many others. But I was stuck. Discouraged and depressed. Useless. No one needed me. How could anyone love me if I wasn’t doing something for them?

The truth was that to be good at my calling, I also had to love people unconditionally. I was taught that how I treated others would determine how they treated me, but my life had shown me that love was transactional. I was only worth love if I loved first and met whatever need someone might have.

After years of dispensing encouragement and love, I found myself feeling discouraged and unloved. I had forgotten to take care of myself, to love myself. I had neglected to reserve any resources for me. I had honestly done others and myself a disservice by not setting better boundaries and declaring my own need for help.

I am not perfect. I do not have all the answers. No one knows that better than me. Now, the internet tells me that my ability to anticipate and fulfill the needs of others may very well be a trauma response to having to be responsible for my own safety. So yeah, that’s been fun to unpack.

For the first time in a long time, I am encouraged. Life is still hard, but I’m communicating my needs and trusting others to see to themselves. I am trying to give myself the same grace and encouragement I would extend to others. I am learning to love me.