Healing Overload

When did the standard or required stop being enough? From tipping to jobs to time, people, customers, employees, etc. seem to be expected to go above and beyond regardless of whether or not they themselves are receiving above and beyond.

Take for instance a friend of mine. They work in a 12 hour 4 day a week job that has a very specific job description. Yet often they are asked (guilted into) filling in for time abandoned by other employees for various reasons. Consistently though they don’t get paid for the extra time and have to literally beg to get the pay, which generally takes about 7 weeks to rectify. In the process the company acts like they don’t know what happened and/or doesn’t believe they worked it even though they clock in on an app. There have been multiple occasions where they have been asked to do things not in the job description. You know, “go above and beyond”, “be a team player”, yet this company also did not give the one year bonus nor the 2 year bonus to them. The problem is that every other person on the site has received their anniversary bonus, and all of them will turn down extra shifts. My friend cannot ever hardly get approved for time off for this reason. They have relieved every single other person on site, while being promised to receive the same in return, only to have them back out afterwards. My friend has a hard time believing that if they rock the boat about any of it, then their job will be in jeopardy.

Tipping culture is another area I see this. I have always been a generous tipper because I understand how serving jobs work. For my whole life 15% has been the standard for good service. If someone did extra and/or was just trying really hard while being friendly, I easily would go 20 or 25%. Now, one can go into a restaurant and receive standard or ever subpar service from a non-friendly server, and the server still expects 20% or higher. Tipping was always about incentive. Yes the restaurant pays their employees an abysmal amount of money, but their great staff and good food is what drove people into their establishment. People care about where they put their money, especially when it comes to dining and food. Now, the internet is full of memes, posts, and rants about how if you can’t afford a 20% tip on top of your (priced out of control) food, you simply are too poor to eat out. There is no longer an incentive to eat at most restaurants other than the basic cost of the food. We are expected to eat overpriced food with often less than standard service and yet go above and beyond in the tip while also not being too much of a bother to the server. I often get lucky with really great servers, and I always show them that I appreciate them and all they do. But I also occasionally get the server too busy talking or hiding in the kitchen to refill a drink or the eye roller who feels inconvenienced by my presence. They still get tipped by me, usually18%. I earnestly try to have compassion for servers and the possibility it’s just a bad day. I have only once, in order to make a point, ever stiffed someone on a tip and it was Maître D on a cruise* who literally did nothing except shmooze a few perceived rich people and cause issues for excellent servers while being a real ass.

I am from the south and grew up in church. From an early age a standard was set that because I loved Jesus I was not only required to serve, I was expected to go above and beyond with my time, my money, my whole life. I did so gladly because I wanted to be a really great Christian and person. I wanted Jesus to be proud of me. The side effect of that was that the “church” continuously stepped into the roll of deciding the par and if I was up to it or not. This ultimately put the church as the receiver of my above and beyond. Often the language used to hide the nefariousness of this fact were words like family, servant, blessing, covenant, sacrifice, etc. These words mattered to me and carried such weight that I believed them fully. The issue was when I would need a break or miss a service or be unavailable in some way, then I was made to feel ashamed of my lack of commitment, as if I was disappointing the family, disappointing Jesus. And if I left a church, I was no longer treated as family, even if the reasons were not a result of conflict. They would act like they knew better for me because they had stepped into that role of representative for Jesus, quickly abandoning me if I did not do what they wanted. Now my relationship with Jesus is somewhat complicated, but my relationship with the church is not. There is not one any longer. Over and over I gave all of me and my time to a church that did not have time for me, gave me platitudes (thoughts and prayer) when I needed help, or used their stolen representation of Jesus to manipulate me in whatever area they needed. There was no going above and beyond for me when I was asked to sacrifice (spiritual language for above and beyond) for them.

I guess all in all I am trying to figure out why the required is not enough. Why in life are we asked, no, expected to go above and beyond to be considered a good person when the required is all that is necessary. Many of us live in fear that if we speak up we’ll lose a job. If we don’t tip the standard, Uber won’t deliver our food or a server will post us all over the internet. Or God forbid we don’t sacrifice our homelife, job, money, time, and soul to our church, then Jesus will be woefully disappointed in us, when all he ever really asked was for us to believe in him and maybe get together once in awhile with others who believe.

What happens when above and beyond is the standard, dare I say the minimum? As you read this, maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but to me, a woman who has been on this planet for 50+ years, I feel stretched too thin. I know I am not the only one. Don’t you feel that tension in the people around you, in society itself? We have to adjust our thinking about things. We have to give each other some slack. We have to stop letting those who have power over us, but who actually need us to function, quit making us miserable only to advance themselves.

The temptation to make above and beyond the standard is ultimately ripping us apart as a people. We are tired, raw, and broke. And if we don’t slow down, set some boundaries, and reevaluate some things we are going to crash and burn. Not doing something different now will only drive us to a place in which different will be forced.

*Cruises now generally include tips (that can be adjusted in the positive) in their pricing.