Healing Overload

I’m angry.

I sit here fighting against the guilt of that confession.

Why can’t you just get over it?

Those words ring in my ear. They sound like my father. He said that to me once when I was still angry a few weeks after confronting him for molesting me. After all I wasn’t a young teenager anymore; I was an adult Christian woman with her own children and he was a forgiven man. Blah Blah Blah.

Those words sound like church people I trusted. Forgive and forget. Honor your father. Be angry and sin not. Anger will eat you up and turn to bitterness. Blah. Blah. Blah.

Ugh. This is not supposed to be about my Christian past. This is about being angry. This is meant to be a place to rage. This fucking good girl shit runs deep, so much so that I type, delete, and retype the language in this sentence because I worry about someone reading it and being offended, on the internet, of all places. Geez.

The title above is not a typo. There is a bible verse that has been used to produce fear in order to maintain compliance that says the wages of sin is death. Well you know what? Everyone dies. So I guess the wages of life is also death. So if everyone dies either way, then I am going the rage until the anger subsides.

PS My father is a piece of shit and I am no contact. He simply uses pseudo repentance/forgiveness as a disguise to continue his grossness. I also do not claim any ties with organized Christianity.