Healing Overload

Everyday is new, but everyday is also the same.

At 50+ years old, it feels as if there is nothing I haven’t seen or heard. The basic routine is on repeat. I’m bored with TV and movies. Hollywood doesn’t seem to have any original ideas anymore. The plot in every book is pretty much the same just with different names. There are places in this world I’ve never been but won’t see anytime soon because I am broke and tied down with the responsibilities of life. Even so every souvenir shop sells the same tchotchke and t-shirts. Every amusement park has the same rides. Every beach, bar, and restaurant has the same people.

I hate it because behind all of that, I feel like I live on the very precipice of some major breakthrough or change. I don’t even know where that feeling comes from. I sit late at night feeling like there is some new thing that is just going to pop into my head to know how to do, an unusual pattern for crochet, a blog idea that will pierce the souls of many, a swift and overwhelming motivation to truly unadulteratedly clean out my house, etc. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t (don’t want to) focus on and do the everyday anymore, but do not feel like I have a choice. I am needed and others have the privilege of won’t or can’t do it.

I am tired. I am bored. I am unamused.

I do not have to be told this is terrible broken thinking. I already know that; I already feel guilty for that. I thought I would have my kids early and then be young enough to live the life I dreamed of. I did not anticipate having the joy of life being sucked out of me by the longevity of getting to this point, by the change in hormones and energy, or by the condition of the planet and society as it now stands.

I know, I know…do I need some cheese with this whine? Yeah sure, but I am also fairly lactose intolerant at this juncture. Truly I am laughing at how ridiculous I sound, but I deserve to be allowed to talk about my feelings as they exist in the moment. How do I or anyone else move through them to get to a more settled and healthy thought life but to process them any way necessary?

I want to be content, and I will find contentment. I am trying new things where I can. I am broaching arenas of life I never dared before because of staunch religious beliefs that kept me afraid of the possibility that things interpreted as “sin” would open me up to the unseen demonic. I don’t apologize anymore for telling people what I need and how I feel because it’s no longer my responsibility to be someone else’s definition of a proper good girl. I am learning to love and accept myself in my natural state without the constant need to change, to conform to some institution’s ideas and rules of how I should live life. I will, however, find a way to live in such a manner that my journey over the next 50ish years of my life is better that the first 50.